I went into work today since my mom watched Dexter and it is with mixed feelings I go into work. On one hand, I never imagined myself as a stay at home mom. In fact, I've always figured that I'd be a better mom if I went to work and came home to spend time with him because then I always had something to look forward to during the day, and it would give me some normalcy. I don't know how I feel now. Spending days with Dexter is undeniably hard, yet very rewarding. It's frustrating that I don't know what he wants when he's crying (at work, people will definitely tell you what they want), and sometimes I just want to pull my hair out. I'm exhausted from .. everything. I'm so tired of pumping. Playing with him and just taking care of him is more work than work.
When someone in my family takes care of Dexter, I happily go off to work because it feels nice to have some time to myself, even though it's to go to work. I interact with people who are around my age, feel productive from doing work, and I know that Dexter is in really good hands. I think my thinking would be different if it was a nanny because I don't know that I would trust that someone else would take care of my kid the way I would take care of my child. The idea of leaving him with a nanny makes me very nervous.
Today my mom told me potentially bad news. The fact is that we may very well not be able to afford to build our house the way we intended. What started out as a relatively small remodel has now turned into a complete demolition and rebuild, and while Chris and I are fortunate in our finances, building the house how we wanted would leave us with less than would make me feel comfortable and so now we have to rethink where we will do. My mom has been such a tremendous help throughout all of this and I don't want to be a burden on her more.
I pumped twice more at my desk today at work .. it's kind of nice even though I have to watch out for people approaching ! This time, it was because someone had locked the pump room (or someone was using it) and I had no choice.
The stress of the whole house thing, coupled with going into work with all these deadlines looming over my head has made today a not-so-great day. I came home and my mom said that Dexter has a good day and she got him to take a nap so I pretty much only took care of him from eight to eleven while Chris was at the gym. We did manage to get in some tummy time and jumperoo time, even though he wouldn't sit still for two books (we read half of each). He's still up and it's 11:25 PM right now. He won't sleep ! Last night, he slept from around nine to five-thirty, but I kept waking up because he was making little noises (and I drank too much water before bed) and so I didn't sleep well or much last night. I've just had a spat with Chris and I'm ready to call it a day.