Thursday, January 17, 2013

Sad thoughts

It's only 8:10 PM and I already want to go to bed. Dexter woke up at 3 AM to feed and then slept until 7:00 AM, which is perfect because I had to get up and go into work for a meeting. I handed him off to Chris, and he snuggled against Chris and was sleeping next to him when I left. The meeting ran over and I came home afterwards, and while the three of us were home together we got some cute pictures of Dexter ! Apparently, he finds it really funny when you take large steps sideways and kept laughing .. they're more like fits of giggles, really. :)


Also, I got good news because the deadline I thought I had today was actually pushed out.

He's still crankier than usual and I wonder if it has anything to do with the shots he had gotten or if this is going to become a normal thing. We did take a nap together today from around 2 PM - 5:30 PM .. that was nice ! I could get used to that. I love waking up to see his chub face.

I've been thinking about Max extra lately. Yesterday, FC sent me these super cute photos of her son, who is also a surviving twin. Most of the photos made me smile, but there was one that left me feeling a dull ache in my chest .. her son is looking into the mirror and you can just feel the resonating sadness that comes from a mother missing her child. Just typing this is making me cry ! It hits me at the strangest times and stops me in my tracks. It's hard to breathe and all I can feel is the burning tears threatening to spill over and the blood pounding in my head.

People often say, "Well, at least you have one !" or something similar to me that's supposed to be supportive or .. something, but I usually just stare blankly at them or force a smile to my face. I never know how to respond.  I am thankful for Dexter, but Max was mine, too.

The worst is when people tell me that someday I will have a second child. I had a second child. My next child will be my third.

It's been a long time since I had a day where I struggled with my thoughts of Max. When I wake up in the middle of the night to pump, that's when I feel the closest to him. The last words out of my mouth and my last thought before sleep takes me is always Max.

On days like this, I long to talk to my husband, who I know can always make me feel better, and yet I'm hesitant because I don't want to make him feel sad. He doesn't talk about Max often and for a long time my feelings were hurt because I feel that he just forgot about him, but I know that he just doesn't voice things the way I do and that he misses him just as much.

Les Miserables will always remind me of Max. When I was pregnant with them, I would sing it all the time (even to Max when he was in the NICU). There's this part in One Day More when Eponine says, what a life I might have known. I often think about that. What a different life Chris and I could have had. What a different life Max and Dexter could have had.

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